


It's the Easter Bunny, Peter Parker!

by TheStrange_One



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Deadpool Thought Boxes, Deadpool knows he's in a fan fic, Easter, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, giant rabbit, magic basket
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-22
Updated: 2019-04-22
Packaged: 2020-01-23 21:51:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18558574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheStrange_One/pseuds/TheStrange_One
Summary: Deadpool is determined to let Peter have one holiday where he doesn't have to swing away in the middle of meal to save the city. Very determined, and no four-foot rabbit was going to mess with that.





	It's the Easter Bunny, Peter Parker!

**Author's Note:**

> So, this happened because of three things. Earlier in the week, my Spideypool fangirl coworker mentioned this meme she saw online of Deadpool in a playboy bunny costume (I have yet to see this pic). A customer ranted at me about how everyone talks about the "spirit of Christmas," but no one talks about the spirit of Easter which reminded me of this Christmas movie (or special, can't really remember) where instead of there being *one* Santa for the whole world there was one for each city, and several for large cities (and if anyone knows the name of that movie and can comment it for me, that would be great and awesome). Third, I was one of five people running a twenty-four hour store for almost two weeks and was in a fugue of exhaustion. This happened. To my regular readers, I'm still working on Kingdoms. I just had to get this out of my head. Please enjoy.

“And I’m doing this why?” asked Peter as he watched his ally, the overly enthusiastic Deadpool, hold out his hand.

Deadpool wiggled the eyebrows of his suit somehow. One day Peter was going to have to figure out just how the man made his suit so expressive. “You said the best gift to give your Aunt May was an uninterrupted Easter dinner,” Deadpool said. “And we both know that if you have your phone, you’ll be interrupted.”

“But—”

“Ah-ah-ah!” said Deadpool scoldingly. “New York will be fine; I’ll look after it.”

Peter pinned Deadpool with a look. “You’ll look after it,” he repeated in a deadpan voice.

“You just watch!” Deadpool grinned at the younger man.

“And no killing?”

{Aw! He ruins all our fun!}

[I was wondering if the author was going to put is in this fic.]

Shush, both of you.

“Cross my heart,” Deadpool said with another huge grin. Peter watched him suspiciously for a moment before he sighed and placed his phone in the large merc’s hand. The hand closed over the phone before tucking it into his ever present fanny pack. “You just have a good time. Help Aunt May cook, say grace, do whatever people do with their families on Easter.”

“You sure you don’t want to join us?” asked Peter. “We can always set the table for one more.”

Deadpool gently bopped Peter on the nose. “I wouldn't ruin your quiet time for anything,” he said sincerely. “Go. Eat. Watch something mind-numbing with your aunt.”

Peter smiled weakly. “Okay. I’m trusting you ‘Pool!” he said as he turned the leave.

[Poor boy. He is so going to regret this.]

{So—is this a fic where we’re together or not? Because if not, we should still be able to kill people.}

 

***

 

Deadpool might have been cheating (just a little) as he set up a perimeter around Aunt May’s home in order to be doubly sure that nothing could get between the boy and his aunt having a nice Easter.

{You’re just hoping he’ll be grateful later!}

[I don’t think this is what he meant when he said “protect the city.” Did you forget he trusts us?]

“I didn’t!” protested Deadpool. Movement caught his eye and he sighed as he slammed instinctively into it. “Naughty, naughty,” he scolded. “Trying to break in on Easter—what the Hell?”

There, in his grip, was a four foot tall, anthropomorphic rabbit with dark brown fur and wide, frightened eyes.

[I’m sensing a stupid plot.]

Shut up.

“Who—who are you?” demanded the rabbit.

Deadpool’s eyes widened. “Holy shit-biscuits!” he exclaimed. “You can _talk_!” He gently put the rabbit down and noticed that it was wearing a green waistcoat.

[Really author?]

I said shut up or I’ll write you out of this story.

The rabbit adjusted his coat nervously. “You’re not supposed to be able to see me!” he squeaked. His voice was a mixture of indignation, shock, and curiosity.

[It’s a four-foot _talking_ rabbit! How are we _not_ supposed to see him?]

“Yeah!” said Deadpool.

The rabbit’s ears flattened against his head. “What?”

Wade, the rabbit can’t actually hear the voices in your head.

Deadpool looked up and glared into space. “That’s shitty writing!” he protested.

Shut it. It’s been a long week.

“So little rabbit, what are you doing here? You the Easter Bunny?” It would make sense; it _was_ Easter.

The little pink nose twitched in indignation. “Certainly not!” said the rabbit.

“Look, a four foot talking bunny on Easter—”

“That, _sir_ , is speciasm, and I will not tolerate it!”

Wade mentally reeled. “What?” he asked.

{… I thought _we_ were supposed to be the crazy ones?}

“I, good _sir_ ,” snarled the rabbit, making “sir” sound like an insult, “am a _messenger_. It is my duty to find the local Easter Bunny and get him properly equipped!”

Deadpool stared at the bunny for a moment before looking off into space again. “Are you shitting with me right now? Because this is, like, so _not_ funny!”

Just roll with it. It’ll be awesome later.

“It had better be!”

“Now, _sir_ , if you’ll excuse me—”

“Hold up there Bugs.” Deadpool grabbed the rabbit again and pushed him against the wall one more time.

“My name is _not_ Bugs—”

“I don’t care. Tell me about this whole local Easter Bunny thing.” The rabbit stared at him until Deadpool’s favorite Glock was pointed under its chin. “Talk Buster,” he said firmly.

[Didn’t we promise wouldn't kill anyone?]

{It’s a _rabbit_! I don’t care if it talks, it doesn’t count!}

“E—every year a wholesome soul is picked from each region to be that year’s Easter Bunny!” the rabbit stammered hurriedly, eyes nearly rolling in on themselves as he tried to see the gun under his chin. “The person who most resembles the spirit of Easter!”

“The spirit of Easter.” Deadpool was no longer addressing the rabbit in front of him.

I said roll with it. You do _not_ want me to get testy.

“All right,” said Deadpool as he pulled the gun away and slipped it into its holster, “who’s the pick this year.” He lets go of the rabbit and it falls to the pavement.

“A young man by the name of Peter Parker.”

And once again Deadpool slams the rabbit against the wall. “No,” he said firmly.

The rabbit blinked oddly human eyes at the masked mercenary. And blinked again. “What?”

“Peter,” Deadpool said firmly, “has been run ragged for the last two months, and all that pretty little boy wants is to spend some quiet, family time with his aunt. I, the massive fan of all things Parker that I am, will not let anything, not _one single thing_ get in the way of that.”

“There _must_ be an Easter Bunny!” The rabbit’s nose twitched nervously as the large thing shook. “What would happen if children didn’t have their eggs to hunt, their toys to find?”

“They wouldn't get hyped on sugar and develop early stage two diabetes and inflate childhood statistics on obesity?”

“There _must_ be an Easter Bunny!” The rabbit ignored Deadpool’s argument.

{I know what you’re thinking! Do it! Let’s do it!}

[Let’s not. Just skewer the rabbit.]

{No! This will be fun!}

A grin split across Deadpool’s face. “I have an idea.”

 

***

 

Thirty minutes later the rabbit stared at Deadpool in horror. His ears twitched and his eyes were wide. “You can’t be serious!” he protested.

“Shut the fuck up, Cotton-Tail,” Deadpool said giddily. “It’s traditional.”

Impossibly, the rabbit’s eyes began to twitch. Deadpool had that effect on people.

{Oh! Oh! Tell the readers what we’re wearing!}

The reveal will have more punch if I wait until later.

{Spoilsport!}

“So, Fluffy Butt,” the rabbit sputtered at the name, “what’s the deets? How are you supposed to ‘equip’ the local Easter Bunny?”

The rabbit’s ears flattened against his skull. “This is—this is a bad idea,” he said nervously. “No way could someone like _you—_ ”

“Listen to me, you fuzzy little turd. You are not, I repeat, are _not_ going to bother my baby boy while he’s having dinner with his Aunt May. So equip me.”

“Or what?”

Deadpool grinned. “Or I’ll be having rabbit for supper. For the next week. Maybe I’ll just feed some homeless people. Doesn’t matter.”

“You—you’re serious!” The rabbit quivered and then sighed before reaching into a tiny pocket—and pulling out a large woven wicker Easter Basket with green fake grass in the bottom of it. The wicker was painted pink and happened to match Deadpool’s current outfit.

{Tell them what we’re wearing!}

I said not yet!

“You picture an image in your mind,” the rabbit instructed, “reach into the grass, and pull it out. Then you—you hide it. That’s all.”

“Doesn’t sound hard,” Deadpool said as he reached a gloved hand into the grass and pulled out a plush unicorn with rainbow hair and sparkles in the white fur. “Kinky.” He slipped the toy into the top—

{Tell them, tell them, tell them!}

I said _not yet_!

—and slung the basket over his arm. “Let’s get this Easter shit _done_!” he said with a grin.

“Oh, I am never going to hear the end of this,” muttered the rabbit.

 

***

 

“Man, this is lame.”

“Yeah,” echoed the other boy. “Lame.”

The two boys, both about twelve, watched as the little kids scampered across the tiny yard looking for colorful eggs. Neither of them cared that much about candy, and it didn’t look like anyone was finding anything anyway.

A shadow flew over the fence and a masked man, covered entirely in a read leather suit, landed in front of them. “Did I hear the forbidden word, ‘lame’?” asked the man.

The children in the yard turned to look and the two boys gaped at the costumed man in front of them. “Dude,” the first boy said, “ _what are you wearing_?”

{Tellthemtellthemtellthem!}

Not yet!

“Who _are_ you?” demanded the second boy.

The mask—impossibly _grinned_. “I’m the fucking Easter Bunny and I’m here to make sure that you have the best fucking Easter of your sad little lives!” A gloved hand reached into the basket and pulled—two guns. “Here you are!” said the man cheerfully.

[I’m sorry—I thought we were supposed to be keeping the crime in New York down today? You know, so Peter can have a quiet Easter? Why are we giving guns to _children_?]

“They’re paintball guns!” Wade said cheerfully. He took one of the guns and aimed it at the fence leaving a smear of red paint on the white wood. “And,” he added as he was suddenly mobbed by children, “I have some for everybody!” He dipped his hand into the basket and threw the loaded paintball guns into the air as the children scrambled for them.

“Deadpool!” hissed the rabbit. “You’re supposed to _hide_ them!”

“Where’s the fun in that?” demanded Deadpool. The children took aim at each and began getting paint splattered all over their nice, pretty Easter clothes.

[You realize they’re going to be cut and bruised from this, right?]

“And my work here is done!” Deadpool saluted the happy children and hopped back over the fence to land beside the quivering rabbit. “Where to next?” he asked with a wide grin.

“Mercy,” whimpered the rabbit.

 

***

 

“More tea?” asked the five year-old girl as she held up a plastic teapot.

“Oh, no thank you,” said Deadpool. “I seem to have had quite enough.”

The girl, not that Deadpool was bragging mind you, had been crying in her room and now had a plastic, color changing tea set, several stuffed animals, and a pretty little green Easter Dress with shiny black buckled tap shoes. The girl looked up at Deadpool and grinned, revealing the gaps in her teeth where she’d lost a few. “I must insist. It’s important,” the child said loftily, “to stay hydrated and I can’t let the Easter Bunny get not hydrated.”

“Then I must accept,” Deadpool said holding out the pink plastic cup, “another cup.” She pretended to fill it and then gently clicked the empty cup with hers.

 

***

 

“We need help!” Clint shouted as he fired arrows into the enemy monster. The thing rose up from the ground on four, trunk-like legs and had a face that looked remarkably like a squid.

“Where is everyone?” demanded Tony as he fired into the monster. The beams hit making it scream and the scream shot through the skulls of the defenders.

“Can _someone_ shut that thing up?” demanded Natasha as she clutched her hands over her ears.

“I can do it!”

Tony turned—and gaped through the suit at the sight bouncing towards him. Deadpool, in full Deadpool costume (minus the swords) was also wearing a playboy bunny costume complete with ears, fishnet stockings over his leather-clad legs, and ruby red high heeled shoes with a toy stuffed into the bodice of the costume. “I’m sorry—what?” asked Tony as he stared at the mercenary.

“The Easter Bunny came to jack this shit up!” Deadpool reached into the basket on his arm and pulled out an automatic weapon before aiming at the monster. “Eat lead!” he said happily before letting loose—and then groaned when paint splattered all over the monster turning it into a mix of reds, blues, yellows, and greens. “What?” he demanded.

The basket took the template of the first thing in that design you pulled from it, so now every gun is going to be a paintball gun.

Deadpool scowled. “That’s stupid!”

Calm down. That basket is just what you need to defeat the monster.

“What, am I supposed to throw CadburyTM eggs at it?” He pulled one and threw it so hard it smashed against the side of the monster. The monster screamed again as the sugary treat ate away at its side like acid. “Seriously?”

Seriously. Have fun.

Deadpool grinned and reached into the basket again pulling out sugar coated marshmallows in the shapes of baby chickens. “Eat Peeps TM !” He launched the treats at the monster.

Moonlight Sonata began to play from his pocket and he fumbled until he pulled the phone, _Peter’s_ phone, out. “We are unable to accept your call at this time,” Deadpool said.

“Deadpool? What are you doing with Spiderman’s phone?”

“Tin Dick! How sweet of you to call!” Deadpool dodged a leg as the monster attacked. “I’ll have to call you back!”

“Deadpool—”

“Spidey left the city in my care today, and I have to make sure nothing destroys it.”

“Spiderman did _WHAT_?”

Deadpool hung up the phone as Tony shouted at him and slipped it back into the pouch.

[Ugh. That was rude of him. Doesn’t he know its Easter?]

{Forget that, throw more bombs!}

Deadpool reached into the basket and pulled out a huge, egg shaped, cream filled chocolate easily twice the size of his head before lobbing at the monster—hitting it in the face. As it fell none other than the Black Widow walked over and looked Deadpool over. “What are you wearing?” she asked.

“Are you blind?” asked Wade. He posed, one hand on each hip and basket dangling over his non-dominant hand. “I’m the Easter Bunny!” He cocked his head as he heard something that sounded suspiciously like a ticking clock. “And it’s time to go!” He gave one hop to the left—and vanished.

She stared at the spot where he’d been and blinked. “What is it?” asked Tony over the team coms.

“I think he had red sequins on his heels.”

 

***

 

Deadpool draped over the back of the couch in their small apartment as Peter put leftovers in the fridge for the two of them. “So how was dinner?” he asked.

Peter grinned, looking more relaxed than he had in months. “Great!” he enthused. “Aunt May was sad that you didn’t come, but she understood that you were watching the city for Spiderman.”

Deadpool chuckled. “Your aunt’s great,” he said as Peter put the last of the food in the fridge. There was still a bag on the table and he wondered if there was pie in it.

{Pumpkin!}

[It’s _Easter_ you idiot—not Thanksgiving!]

{But—his name’s _Peter_! You know? Like the pumpkin eater? Eh?}

Deadpool winced at the joke as Peter grabbed the bag off the table and headed towards the bedroom. “She even,” Peter continued, “gave me a good idea of an Easter present for you.”

“For me?” asked Deadpool looking at the closed door. He could hear fabric rustling behind it. What was his baby boy doing?

The door opened and Peter stood there—in the exact same kind of costume that Deadpool had been wearing over his outfit earlier—except that this one fit Peter better (and didn’t have heels). Peter walked over and climbed onto the chair over Deadpool’s lap. “I thought,” he said leaning forwards and gently rolling the mask up halfway, “I could be your Easter bunny today.”

Deadpool grinned and rested a hand on Peter’s bottom as the other gently ran a thumb over the plump lips. “Baby boy,” he said sincerely, “you can be my bunny _any_ day.”

{We’re together in this one!}

[And fade to black.]

 

***

 

Monday morning Peter stumbled groggily to the lab coffee pot and began brewing. Why couldn't Easter fall on a Saturday? That would have been _much_ more convenient.

Tony Stark, owner of Stark Industries, came into the small lab. “Say, uh, kid—you know,” he said with an odd stammer, “if you ever need time off, or to just have family time, you can ask us, and I mean _any_ of us, to watch the city for you.”

“That’s really nice of you Mr. Stark,” Peter said, grateful for the offer. His mind turned with all the new ideas he had for the next holiday.

“So—you won’t have Deadpool watching the city for you again?” asked Tony.

“No,” said Peter vaguely as he poured himself a cup of coffee.

“Oh, thank God.”

“Aunt May would love to see him at a family dinner, and you too Mr. Stark.”

“What?”

**Author's Note:**

> Funny story; when I was little my dad took me to a corporate sponsored Easter egg hunt and lurked by the fence until he could point me towards a golden egg. As the children were heading back to the tables (the different colors were worth different prizes) I noticed this one kid crying because she hadn't been able to find any eggs at all--so when she wasn't looking I slipped the golden egg into her basket. After we all got our prizes and were heading home Dad said, "I could have sworn I saw you pick up a golden egg." So I explained about the girl and what I did and he just grinned and shook his head. "This is why I love you," Dad said. It wasn't until years later that I learned the golden egg was worth a hefty cash prize.
> 
> We never did go to another corporate sponsored Easter egg hunt. :)


End file.
